Music meme

I got this off LutherPunk's blog. Imagine that, a tatooed, punk-rocking, blog-wielding Lutheran minister. A scarred up, head-banging, blog-wielding Methodist Lay Speaker can only aspire to such heights of gory glory...

If you have the time or desire to answer all 29, then you are tagged.

1. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by?
> The Beatles - only because Stacie and I share a CD collection.
2. What was the last song you listened to?
> 'Breathe' Pink Floyd
3. What's in your record/cd player right now?
> Dark Side of the Moon
4. What song would you say sums you up?
> 'Time'
5. What's your favorite local band?
> Me sitting on the bed with my guitar.
6. What was the last show you attended?
> I can't remember... Maybe the Lee Gibson band or some southern Gospel group? ZZ Top was the last proper rock show that I saw, I think...
7. What was the greatest show you've ever been to?
> The CarlLoad concert, Nashville in '88 (?): Foghat, Steppenwolf, Outlaws, et al.
8. What's the worst band you've ever seen in concert?
> Milli Vanilli (no kidding, I really saw them "in concert" - just ask SG.)
9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of?
> Hate is a very strong word that I try not to use in reference to people - even if they are members of Pearl Jam.
10. What was the last song you downloaded legally?
> Songs can be downloaded legally?
11. What show are you looking forward to?
> The Beatles reunion.
12. What is your favorite band shirt?
> The AC/DC shirt my wife threw away because she thought it was too Holy holey.
13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?
> David Gilmour.
14. What musician would you like to be in love with for a day?
> My wife... if I weren't even though I'm already in love with her.
15. Metal question: Jeans and Leather vs. Cracker Jack clothes?
> Can't go wrong with jeans and leather and I don't know what 'Cracker Jack clothes' are either.
16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy?
> Surely you jest! Sabbath circa 1970.
17. Commodores or solo Lionel Ritchie?
> Explain to me how in the world it matters.
18. Punk rock, hip hop or heavy metal?
> NOT hip hop.
19. Doesn't Primus suck?
> But for the bass lines, yes.
20. Name 4 flawless albums:
> Depending on your definition of 'flawless', 4 is either way too many or way too few a number. Off the top of my almost hairless head, I'd say Dark Side of the Moon, White Album, Back in Black and Paranoid. And the list would be different tomorrow (but would still include DSOTM).
21. Did you know that filling out this survey makes you a music geek?
> And your point is?
22. What was the greatest decade for music?
> The '70's - unfortunately it was also the worst.
23. How many music-related videos/dvds do you own?
> Too many.
24. Do you like Journey?
> And I was taking this seriously...
25. Don't try to pretend you don't!
> What I'm trying to pretend right now is that the last two questions are not on this list.
26. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?
> Does 'The Wall' count?
27. What was your last musical 'phase' before you wised up?
> Grunge
28. What's the crappiest CD/record/etc. you've ever bought?
> I love 'the Floyd' but I'd have to choose The Final Cut for each of the three times I bought the stinky thing.
29. Do you prefer vinyl or CDs?
> CD's only because my turntable broke and I threw it away. That, and it's hard to get the 'phonograph' option on the vehicles these days. The Cretins!

I seek to make inner feeling and awareness of God the center of my theology

I read on Conrad's blog where he had taken a quizFarm test to determine which theologian he most agrees with. Yes, I was bored... My results: You scored as Friedrich Schleiermacher. You seek to make inner feeling and awareness of God the centre of your theology, which is the foundation of liberalism. Unfortunately, atheists are quick to accuse you of simply projecting humanity onto 'God' and liberalism never really recovers. Friedrich Schleiermacher 80% Anselm 73% J?Moltmann 67% Paul Tillich 60% John Calvin 53% Martin Luther 33% Jonathan Edwards 33% Augustine 33% Karl Barth 27% Charles Finney 7% Which theologian are you? created with QuizFarm.com

What is it?

A friend recently took a week long trip to Colorado. He brought me this gift. I really appreciate the gesture, but I have no idea what this thing is or what it's for!


It's made of dark stone, probably granite, and it has a neat design in it. A fossil maybe? It's been shaped, polished and flattened on one side. It measures about 4 x 2 x 1 inches and fits comfortably in the palm of a largish thirty-something year old man.

The remainder of the fake prize money from my look-a-like contest will go to the person who can best decribe what this thing is.

Updates...

In a last minute decision (literally), I decided against taking a class this semester. That brings my excruciatingly slow progress toward my 'second' degree to a complete standstill. And I’m so close too. I’m actually a little bummed about it and I'm already second-guessing my decision. But it just didn’t make sense right now on so many levels that I decided to sit this one out. Maybe I can double up next semester and not be any worse off.

Alas, my ill-considered celebrity look-alike contest was a big disappointment. At least Susan and Supergirl guessed Kiefer Sutherland correctly. These two will split one third of the fake million in prize money:)
Apart from Mr. Sutherland, the correct answers are William Shatner and David Gilmour. Here we are all together:

Keep in mind I didn’t say I looked like any of them, only that I have been told I look like each of them at some point. Kiefer is, by far, the most common (try as I might, I'll never forget that lady in the urologist's office).

No more contests from me, though. Oh, wait, I just thought of an idea for another one...

Finally, after months of "why don't you's", "why didn't you's" and "You ought to's" in reference to my blogging, my lovely wife has started her own blog. She's just getting started, only one real post so far (other than that obligatory 'this is my first post' thingy), but it's a nice start.

Knowing her, I predict that either she will make just a few more posts, grow tired of blogging and move on to something else, or she will throw herself into this with all her energy and become the wildly popular anti-coulter darling of the blogosphere.

Tschüß.

Heavy metal becoming increasingly political?

A story on MSNBC today concerns 'Heavy Metal becoming increasingly political". It's an interesting story for those of you who are into this type of thing. The story makes some good points and discusses some of the misunderstandings about this musical genre that have always been present.

But writer ruined the whole thing for me with several factual mistakes. The first clue was the subtitle of the article: 'As genre nears 30, social commentary weaves its way among power chords". Two errors here: the genre is well over 30 years old in 2006 and social commentary has been a part of Heavy Metal almost from the beginning.

I realize that there is disagreement about when 'Heavy Metal' actually began, but, by anyone's estimation, the genre definitely predates 1976 (30 years ago). I would place it's origination closer to 40 years ago. The proto-metal sounds of Jimi Hendrix, Cream, and The Who are even older.

Another error is implied in the article's apparent assertion that 'social commentary' in Metal is a new phenomenon. If you've read my post this far, you are probably aware of how wrong this is. Social commentary was a part of Metal and proto-metal almost from day one.

The author also displays an ignorance of other common themes of early Metal writing, "Metal bands are also branching out into literature and mythology..." Again, these were common themes of Metal long before most the current crop of headbangers were old enough to carry their practice amps.

In all fairness, the article goes on to say that "Heavy metal has always touched on social and political issues" and makes mention of Black Sabbath's criticicism of the Vietnam War and Iron Maiden's denunciation of the poor treatment of Native Americans.

Overall, though, the tone of the article implies that Heavy Metal is younger and historically less socially aware and significant than is true.

It comes off more as saying that Metal has grown up since the vacuous 'hair metal' days of the '80's rather than more accurately stating that current metal is returning to it's true roots of musical innovation and social commentary.

My rant for the week day.

It could have been such a good article.

Preaching and eating at St Paul UMC...

We made our second visit to St. Paul United Methodist Church today and I delivered the message. I had Shelby snap a picture mainly because this was my first opportunity to preach outside my home church:

All in all, it went well. It wasn't a great sermon, but I think it was about the best that I'm equipped to do and that was my goal: to do the best that I could.

You can read the text of my sermon here if you're interested in this type of thing.

Everyone seemed to be fairly pleased with my efforts. Then they found out that I had brought home-made barbeque to the covered dish dinner that followed the service. At that point, I became quite popular:)

I had intended to smoke one large picnic on Saturday but I could only find a large butt. I decided to go with two medium sized picnics instead because I like the flavor and texture better. This produced a huge pile of pulled pork. I'd estimate about eight pounds of meat. My first thought was that this was going to be way too much. But no, apparently they liked my cooking at least as much as my preaching. If I was put on the spot, I'd have to say rather more. But I was afraid there would be a lot of barbeque left over. There wasn't. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, it actually worked out perfectly. We took home just enough left-overs for supper. Nice.

And my barbecue was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. There was a huge spread besides: fried chicken, baked ham, turkey and dressing, mashed potatoes, hash brown casserole, all manner of vegetables, desserts galore. You name, they had it. Awesome.

The best part, though, was getting to interact with the folks at St. Paul as we ate. What a great Church. We felt so welcomed and included and appreciated. I'm looking forward to going back.

Despite the nagging feeling that I might could have done a better job preaching, the whole experience was just a wonderful blessing.

I feel so lucky to have had this opportunity. I can only hope that Brother Jim and the folks at St. Paul feel half as good about it.

What kids are good for...

I tried getting interested in the news stories today:

War,

crime,

illness,

but all I got was depressed.

Oh, and we can't forget:

death ...

The last story is a few days old but it has a personal connection for me. Larry Trail, an area politican - former Tennessee State Senator and recently elected Circuit Court Judge - died Sunday unexpectedly.

He was my brother-in-law's brother-in-law. That is, Judge Trail's sister is married to my wife's brother. Stacie took her parents and the kids to the funeral home earlier this week.

I didn't know him, I only met him once years ago I think, but again, depressing. You know, you just feel bad for the family and all.

As I sat there just feeling pretty miserable, my eight year old son came home from school and bounded through the door with the exuberance of, well, an eight year old.

After school.

On Friday.

After telling me that he stayed on 'green' today and relating at least a dozen things that happened at school (all in about 45 seconds), he starts telling me about this grasshopper that he caught at recess.

He claims it was an endangered species.

I'm sure.

He kept the grasshopper in a container until the teacher made him let it go before school was out.

He gave it a name.

Gerald.

No disrespect to President Ford with his health concerns and all, but it's a funny name even for a grasshopper.

I laughed and asked him why 'Gerald' (thinking they might have had a class discussion about the former president since he's in the news today).

No, Tad says he just likes the name Gerald. It's a good Christian name for a grasshopper.

?

My mood was starting to lighten a bit as we got into Stacie's SUV to go pick up Shelby from school and then to meet Stacie for dinner. I had stol... I mean, borrowed the Pathfinder all day and had accidentally left the tunage cranked. When I started up, Dark Side of the Moon's 'Money' came on at full volume.

After I lowered the volume a bit, Tad said, "Hey, is that 'The Floyd'?"

Yes, Pink Floyd.

Then it hit me!

Of course!

PINK FLOYD. 'Bike': I know a mouse, and he hasn't got a house. I don't know why I call him Gerald.

Now where would the kid have learned something like that? I can only assume it was from his mother:)

Anyway, I'm in a better mood now.

He must also have a good reputation...

Here's a story that I first learned about on Susan's blog. My wife will just love it: A Baptist 'church' in New York fired a female Sunday School teacher because they feel that the selected parts of the Bible that they like to read support their misogynistic and oppressive ideas.

Or as they put it, "...the church had adopted an interpretation that prohibits women from teaching men."

Same thing.

The Sunday School teacher in question, Mary Lambert, had taught at this Church for 54 years.

54 YEARS! 54 years of unbiblical teaching were going on in this church and no one bothered to notice?

Right.

For their proof-texted justification for such nonsense, they offered up 1 Timothy 2:12: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

These folks convientiently forget that Paul wrote to Timothy addressing a specific group of people in a localized area at a very certain point in history. Maybe the early Christians in Ephesus had a problem with this sort of thing - certain individuals overstepping their traditional boundaries, and maybe most of those people in that situation were women.

I can accept that.

That doesn't mean that Watertown, NY, some 2000 years later, has the same problem or needs the same solution.

I wonder if they give the same weight to the prohibition against women wearing "braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes".

Or if they teach that women are "...saved through childbearing"?

Do they urge their members to "drink a little wine"?

Do they teach that: "All who are under the yoke of slavery should consider their masters worthy of full respect"?

All from First Timothy, by the way.

So which is it - literal or situational?

Do they forget that Paul also wrote to the Galatians that: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus"?

And do they forget that Paul also told Timothy that church leaders must have a good reputation with outsiders?

Apparently so.

The Image of Christ.

I've been thinking quite a bit about the subject of my post from last Friday. I've come to the conclusion that the thing that offends me most about the subject is the whole idea of the 'depiction' of Christ.

The argument about whether Sallman's "Head of Christ" should hang in a West Virginia High School has become quite silly in my mind because, let's face it, there's no way that Jesus looked anything like Sallman's depiction.

That means that the people involved in the controversy are fighting over something imaginary.

Which is what most fights are over.

But how should we 'depict' Christ? What did Jesus really look like?

There's a very good article on the subject here which includes this picture showing three very different interpretations of what Jesus might have looked like:


People have been trying to do this for almost 2000 years. Unfortunately, the folks who lived in the ancient near-east roughly two millenia ago were not blessed with digital cameras.

Maybe that should be 'fortunately'.

One of the great mysterious blessings of having Jesus as our Lord is that he is and was one of us.
"Just a slob like one of us", as Joan Osborne sang.

O.K., not a slob, but definitely one of us.

It's actually a good thing that we don't know exactly what Jesus looked like. If we did, we might be even more eager than we already are to make him into exactly what we are. In my case that would be a tallish English speaking WASP with blonde hair and green eyes and a genetic predisposition to put on weight by even looking at food.

All of which, common sense tells us, Jesus of Nazareth could not have been.

And therein lies the problem: we as a human race want a god that is very much like us. We want to create God in our image instead of the other way around. And it's always been this way and probably always will be this way.

A half millenium before Jesus walked the earth, Xenophanes observed that the Ethiopians have dark-skinned gods and the Thracians have red-haired ones: "And if oxen and horses or lions had hands and could paint with their hands, and produce works of art as men do, horses would paint the forms of the gods like horses, and oxen like oxen..."

Suffice it to say that I have no idea what Jesus really looked like, but I don't think He looked very much like Warner Sallman's painting.

And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's good that an Ethiopian's Jesus has dark skin and a Thracian's Jesus would have red hair. Maybe it's good that Warner Sallman's Jesus looked like he did while my Jesus looks rather more like me.

Jesus is (or can be) LORD for each and every one of us and our mind's eye just has to create a visual depiction of that Lord.

I think it's a good thing that there were no cameras around in Jesus' day because that would exclude all the people who didn't look quite right by comparison.

I think that is what really bothers me about Sallman's painting hanging in that High School: It tells us what Jesus must be to us and it excludes all the people who don't measure up in whatever way to that image.

Does this really speak to the debate over whether that painting should be handing in the halls of a high school in West Virginia? Well, ask yourself this: Would the uproar on either side have been the same if that depiction of Jesus had looked African or Asian or whatever? For that matter, would the picture have been displayed in the first place if it had shown Jesus in that way? And would any of those imagined images have been closer to what Jesus really looked like? And does it really matter anyway?

The true depiction of Christ is not a visual representation at all. The only depiction of Christ that matters is our depiction of Him in our actions. The way that we live our lives - what we do and say, the very way that we think - is how we should 'depict' Christ. Not though a painting - no matter how much it looks like us or where it hangs.

Looks like who? A contest.

At different points in my life, I've been told that I look like a certain celebrity.

(or three)

A comment last week from Supergirl somehow caused me to start thinking about this.

In the meantime, I rediscovered Morpher. What a cool toy!

So I decided to morph an image of each of the three celebrities I've been told I look like into one composite.

Here's the result (compared to a similar image of me). It's a little crude, but I really don't know much about this 'imaging' stuff:)


It's a bad pic of me too. Sorry. You would be surprised at how difficult is is to take a decent photograph of yourself.

As far as the resemblance goes, I see it in the forehead area, the cheekbones, the mouth and chin. The biggest similarity that I see among the four of us is the concave 'divot' between the nose and the upper lip. But the eyes and nose are way different and I have retained some chubbiness in the jawline from my 'fat' days that my celebrity friends do not have (and that just will not go away).

One of the celebrities is somewhat obvious, another less so and the third is rather obscure.

Ha. Clever hint in there somewhere.

One Million U.S. dollars goes to the first person who can identify all three celebrities.

(Besides Supergirl - and I bet even she can't guess all three correctly)

This is all assuming I had a spare million to give.

Which I don't don't.

So don't try to claim your prize.

You'll never get all three anyway.

Any takers?

Three Dollar Bill and the Ballad of the Leaking Minivan...

When I left work last night, I began what has become something of a ritual: I drove to the corner market and stopped to check the coolant level in my radiator. Sometimes it's fine, sometimes not.

As I got out of the van, I saw a rather rumpled looking guy sitting on the walk. I popped the hood and went about my business. The guy approached me to see if he could help. I told him no, that I just had to check my water and as I topped off the radiator, he gave me his 'sob story'.

He had hitched a ride to Tennessee from Arkansas, looking for work. His ride left him and he didn't have any money, had no way to get back home and no way to call his family.

He looked like he hadn't slept in a couple of days and was close enough for me to know that he hadn't bathed in at least twice that long.

He said, "Can you help a fella out?"

I mumbled something about not having much on me as I reached into my pocket. I intended to give the guy a dollar but when I pulled my hand out of my pocket, I inadvertantly turned it inside out, revealing all my possessions: one overfilled keyring, a tube of Burt's Bees and three crumpled dollar bills.

What the heck, I gave him all three of my bills.

He seemed reluctant to take them as he said, "Don't that leave you with anything?"

It was all the cash I had, but I didn't need it for anything and I had a credit card in my wallett.

"It's alright," I said, take it. God bless you."

He said, "NO, man, God bless YOU, man."

He gave me a big crooked grin and nodded, bowed almost, reverentially. Then he turned and shuffled off into the shadows.

There was a time when I would have wondered what he was going to do with my three dollars or I might have just told him to get lost. There was a time when I would have worried that he would return to the market as soon as I left to buy a '40'.

Somehow, none of those things came to my mind. He seemed to have a certain sincerity about him and his concern for me - that I was was giving him 'all' my money touched me a little bit. His thankful attitude and willingness to call on God didn't hurt either.

I realize that he may very well have come back and bought that '40'. I hope not, but really, I don't care. I hope the three dollars helped him in some small way.

I hope he finds his way. I hope he can contact his family and I hope he gets back to Arkansas.

I don't think the world has been very good to this guy. I hope that he remembers that someone he didn't know cared enough to say "God bless you" when he could have said "Get lost".

It was nothing to me really. I mean, three dollars? What, one gallon of gas? But this left me with the strangest mixture of emotions as I drove home.

I got home and got out of the ugly van with the spewing radiator and I said a little silent prayer of thanks for my van and for my home.

And I said a little prayer for the guy from Arkansas.

My Exegetical Weekend...

I spent most of the weekend making the final preparations for my latest sermonizing experiment.

In between trying to memorize my sermon manuscript and making up some prayers out of whole cloth, I managed to get dragged into some furniture shopping.

Oooh.

We didn’t buy anything but it was worth the time because, afterwards, we picked up some groceries and on the way back home, Stacie got behind a rather slow-moving vehicle. (He was only going 10-20 over the speed limit.)

She punched the uber-vehicle’s accelerator to floor and all 285 horses roared to life as we passed slowpoke on a double yellow line like he was standing still...

Just in time to see the FC Sheriff’s Deputy heading our way.

Of course he pulled over, turned around and followed us. He never turned on the blue lights, so I told Stacie to just keep driving. We went all the way back to our little road, down the drive and into the carport with Barney in tow.

I was hoping he’d help unload the car.

No, he just wanted to remind Stacie to ‘watch her driving’.

Hey, that’s my job!

And I forgot to tell Lt. Dan!

Anyway, my preaching duties for the week have now come and gone (with barely a hitch). I preached at both services, delivered the children’s messages, made the announcements and generally led the services (with the help of two great liturgists –thanks, Stacie. Thanks Mark).

My exegesis was neither scholarly nor extensive but it was, I hope, cohesive. Chapter Six of John’s Gospel is not exactly something I would recommend for the novice preacher. I settled upon one simple point and tried my best to stick to it. That point, “What does it mean to ‘eat’ Jesus’ flesh”, became a version of Jack’s ‘Discipleship is not an option’ theme.

I got through it without passing out or saying any bad words but I did sweat up my new suit real good.

Afterwards, most folks said, “Great job” or something to that effect but I think they mostly felt like they had to say that. Either that or their expectations were so low that, so long I didn’t completely mess up, it looked like a “great job”.

Next week we’re off to St. Paul UMC where I will preach as well and the audience might be just a bit more critical. We’ll see.

We beat it back home after the late service, had lunch and sat down in front of the TV just in time to see Stacie’s step-brother-in-law, Larry, sing the National Anthem in front of thousands of cheering people at the Cubs-Cardinals game on WGN.

Wow!

Tell, me Lar’ how do you get these kinds of gigs when I’m preaching the Gospel of St. John to 49 sleepy Methodists?

My Sunday School Class is in the news! Not really.

A hotly debated 'portrait' of Jesus was stolen from a high school in Bridgeport, West Virginia on Thursday.

Although this picture

had hung in the school for 37 years, the American Civil Liberties Union and Americans for Separation of Church and State sued the Bridgeport School Board earlier this year alleging a constitutional violation.

You can read the full report here.

The funny thing is, this is a version of the same picture that hangs in my Sunday School class at HCUMC:


If you look closely you can see the same image in the back of the room directly behind the guy who is waving. That would be me (50 pounds heavier).

This painting is one of the most famous and widely distributed depictions of Christ. It is titled 'Head of Christ' and was painted by a man named Warner Sallman around 1941.

Here is a somewhat better reproduction of it:


As far as the Constitutional debate is concerned, I'm torn. On the one hand, I don't understand how a purported depiction of Jesus could be considered a violation of the 'establishment clause' . The picture certainly hasn't established much of anything and since when does the Bridgeport, WV School District speak for the Federal Goverment?

On the other hand, this type of thing offends a lot of people. If those people are students or employees of the school, then the picture should have been taken down. Or, in fairness, we could put up pictures of all the world's great religious leaders.

On the other, other hand, this would in turn offend a lot of people as well.

It seems like this is a lot more about who's being offended than about constitutional interpretation. Then again, I'm not a lawyer. But I do play one on TV.

Many Christians get so emotional over these debates that they forget what they are trying to do and what their mission is. If we want to make disciples of others, shoving an inappropriately Anglo-looking picture of Jesus down their throats is probably not going to do the trick.

And if we, as Christians, become so angry and offended at others' efforts to remove a picture like this (because it angers and offends them) that we forget to turn the other cheek, then we're not being a very good witness for the guy whose supposed likeness is on that picture in the first place. Are we?

On a roll now.

Christians who will let themselves get bent out of shape and downright cussin' mad over something like this are missing the point if you ask me.

And isn't there something in the Bible about 'images'? OH YEAH, the Ten Commandments - also something that some Christians get mad enough to fight about.

I've always wanted to ask those folks, "Do you have the Ten Commandments displayed in your home or office?" Or more to the point, "Can you recall all ten?"

Or, "Do you even know where to find them in the Bible?"

(Exodus 20, by the way)

And since you did ask me - by default at least, I think that if you are a Christian, the image of Christ and the Ten commandments should be in your heart, not hangin' on a wall somewhere.

Called...

Radical Congruency had a post yesterday about an upcoming Kary Oberbrunner book entitled Called: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be.

Sounds like something I would read:)

This book "presents a four-component view of discipleship":

Knowing
Being
Doing
Reproducing

(In the post, Justin is quick to point out that 'reproducing' involves disciple-making, not baby-making:)

In this view, we must gain a certain amount of knowledge in order to become a disciple and then use that knowledge to help and minister to others which will in turn make more disciples.

Hey, I seem to recall something about "The mission of the Church...".

What is the rest of that saying?

My own posts may be sparse over the next few days as I finalize my sermon preparation for the next two Sundays.

Good luck to me.

Bobby Kennedy...

About a week ago, I read a very interesting post on Strange Culture about the upcoming Bobby (Kennedy) movie. I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I didn't know there was such a movie. I guess that's why I read so many blogs - it's my information pipeline.

Anyway, it sounds like a movie that I would see (if I regularly saw movies).

So after I saw RC's comment on my post from Monday (thanks, btw) I went back to Strange Culture and looked at the post and the comments on it again. The comment directly above mine left me scratching my head.

The only hope I have is that this is meant to be funny. Otherwise...

?

You Might Be United Methodist if...

I've seen these kinds of things before but this one is really good. I swiped it off deaconess_grrl's Questions and Rants (and then did just a little bit of editing).

Hope you enjoy. If you don't, you must not be UMC!

You Might be a United Methodist if:

~you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed
~you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
~The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper
~you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts
~you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus"
~you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn and love it!!
~tithing is encouraged but widely ignored
~half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
~the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine
~you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease
~your pastor has a hyphenated last name
~names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are more than vaguely familiar
~you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament
~the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"
~you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
~you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London
~your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a Saint
~you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out
~you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease
~your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way unless you're the pastor
~there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"
~your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
~you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues
~you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes
~you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
~you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
~you know that "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women not United Mine Workers
~you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister
~"Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
~you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why
~your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
~you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee
~you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
~you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday
~you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel
~you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary
~when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn

You know why these are funny? Because they're true!

Visiting St. Paul's...

Sunday, we went to St. Paul's United Methodist Church for a visit. I have to tell you, I was a little bit apprehensive. It's a nice church, in a good location and I had a really good first impression of Brother Jim. Still, it's out of our comfort zone - an unknown environment and, I was going there partly to 'scope it out' since I'm going to be preaching there in a couple of weeks.
No need to have worried. We were welcomed warmly. Tad made himself at home, naturally, and Shelby seemed at ease also. Stacie, of course, turned out to be the object of most everyone's attention and, as it turns out, her sister works with Jim at his 'regular' job.

A few of the congregants already knew why we were there and then Jim announced it to everyone else from the pulpit. I was afraid it might be a bit of an awkward situation but I saw no sign of that.

We felt right at home and Stacie and I agreed that St. Paul's reminds us both of Harris Chapel...

We'll see how this arrangement works out but, in the meantime, I have to quickly switch gears and get ready for next Sunday's preaching duties at Harris Chapel.

I'm 'cool'...

Yesterday, after I brought home my new amp, I plugged it in and started to play around with the channels and different settings. I strummed through the 'clean' settings and then switched to 'lead'. I progressively dialed up the gain and finally got that good crunchy-smooth sound that I love. I cranked the volume a bit and started playing through some '70's metal riffs that I remember and - BAM! - there was Tad in the room, suddenly interested in what I was doing.

He started asking questions like, "What does that do?" and "How do you make it do that?"

I played some riffs from some songs that I know he's heard and then, I kid you not, he asked, "Do you know that 'American Woman' song?"

Uh, yeah, but how do you know it?

"I heard it on the radio in your van."

Oh.

"You know it, you know how to play it?"

Yeah.

(Incredulous look)

So I made some adjustments to my amp settings and banged out a passable version of the opening riff.

Is that it?

Tad literally giggled, "That is so cool!"

I may never be this 'cool' in my son's eyes again.

Test Drives...

Today we all went mattress shopping. Yeah, we need a new bed. Both the kids have new mattresses, so it's our turn now.

Of course, I had an ulterior motive (or two).

Since we were going to Tullahoma, I accidentally (on purpose) dropped by the Ford dealership there which, in a town this size, also serves as the Mazda dealership.

Uh-Huh.

RX-8.

No, I didn't buy it, but I did find out what it would do at 8000 RPM in fourth gear.

Please don't tell Lt. Dan.

I don't know if I'll buy this car, but I know that I have virtually forgotten about Mitsubishi's Eclipse. No comparison!

Lunch and more mattresses.

Then, I mentioned that I wanted to go to one of the local music shops and 'look' at some amps.

I've been amp-less for a while now and it's starting to bother me. I mean acoustic guitar is fine, but sometimes one just fancies a bit of ye olde headbangin'. Y'know?

Stacie let me buy a Peavey Rage 258 which is technically a practice amp, but it's way loud enough for what I want to do with it. And, yes it has a headphone jack. I think this was the main selling point for Stacie. She doesn't care about channels or inputs or crunch or anything, she just kept mumbling "headphones, headphones" over and over again.

So, no new car, new mattress next week and new amp today.

Peace!

Broncos at odd angles...

Way back when I started my old blog, one of my intended themes was 'weird coincidences'. Strange convergences, unexpected parallels, unlikely events and synchronicity remain subjects that I'm interested in and that I think about, well, more or less constantly. The problem was that there are just not enough of these events to write about regularly in an online notebook. They actually happen to me so infrequently that subtitling my blog in reference to them just didn't make any sense.

On to my story. I met Stacie for lunch yesterday in Tullahoma. Afterwards, I borrowed her SUV and roamed around town, running some errands and generally killing time and enjoying the ride before I had to get back in the minivan.

As I was driving south on Jackson street, an odd sight caught my eye. There was an old Bronco II facing north in the turn lane about a hundred yards from me. It was perched at a very peculiar angle. The front driver side of the vehicle pointed toward the ground at about 15 degrees. I first thought that it was a flat tire. Then, in the distance, I saw blue lights approaching from behind. Then I thought it might be a wreck. As I got closer, I began to understand that it was neither a flat tire nor a wreck that had caused this situation.

The Bronco had NO driver side front wheel. No tire, no rim, no hub - not even the spindle was there. It looked like the whole wheel assembly had come off the vehicle at the steering knuckle. By this time, the cop was out of his car talking to the driver who was standing at the front of his truck, scratching his head.

I was now near enough to take it all in since traffic had slowed to a crawl around the spectacle. The Bronco was balanced on the front passenger side and rear driver side wheels. The front driver side suspension was on the ground and the rear passenger side tire was separated from the ground by several inches. You could also see a gash in the pavement where the wheel-less suspension of the truck had skidded as he veered into the turn lane. There was also a brief skid mark behind that which ended rather abruptly.

Here's how I think it happened: Driver and friend are cruising along when they hear a loud noise (steering knuckle or ball joint breaking) from underneath the truck. Driver slams on brake causing both skid mark and the wheel to come off. Truck tips up at odd angle as they hear a different loud noise (suspension grating on the asphalt). Driver then guides the truck to a stop in the turn lane as they both watch the loose wheel travel on by itself into the vacant lot across the street.

Which is where friend was as I passed, presumably searching for said wheel in the weeds.

Oh, to have had a camera!

Warning: incongruous side story coming up.

At that point, I couldn't help but think about something that happened when I was in college. For a couple of years, I helped a local school teacher who painted houses during the summers. Odd guy. He had an odd daughter too, whom I was dating at the time. I guess that's how I got the job. Anyway, one day I showed up at the worksite on time and he was nowhere to be found. I waited. And waited. And then I waited some more. Finally about an hour and a half later, he shows up in his old beater work truck. As he gets out, he said, "Well, I did something stupid!" "Yeah, so did I.", I thought. Turns out he had been changing a flat on his old truck the night before when he went into the house for something, lost track of time and promptly forgot about the flat-changing business. The next morning, he got in the truck and drove down the road. WITH NO LUG NUTS on the wheel in question. About halfway to the worksite, he hears a loud noise... You can imagine the rest.

Back to my original story which, so far, is only a mildly amusing story, not a coincidence. A few hours after the Bronco II fiasco, I had pretty much forgotten the whole thing.

Then G came by. He wanted me to see his friend's 'new' ride. It was also an older Bronco II. Not the same one. This one had been painted metallic green with some splashes of bright color here and there. It had been 'bagged and slammed' with 18" wheels, notched frame, the whole deal.

The frame was literally on the ground. When G waved at his friend, the whole truck popped up about a foot in the air. Then he made the rear go back down, then the front went down while the back went up again and so on. Then he raised all corners to the max except for the front driver side and got out.

The truck was sitting at exactly the same angle as the Bronco I had seen on Jackson earlier in the day.

What are the chances of seeing two different Bronco II's sitting at the same improbable angle (even if for completely different reasons) in the same day?

It's a sign, I tell you, a sign.

Feast or Famine!

As I said in Sunday's post, I've now agreed to preach, at the very least, 3 sermons on the last 2 Sundays of this month. One of those will be my first occasion to spread the Good News to those outside of my home church. With more (possibly) following.

Yes, this is what I've wanted. I became a Lay Speaker because I wanted to serve God through my local Church. I became a Certified Lay Speaker because I wanted to expand that service to include other congregations in our district. I also thought that it might give me an opportunity to go to other UM churches and to get a feel for what it might be like for a pastor in the 'itenerant ministry'. People have been telling me for years that I'm being called to the ministry. At least this way, as Jack said, I could "get my feet wet" before committing to something monumentally life-changing.

The only problem is that it never happened. I took the advanced Lay Speaking course at Trinity UMC in Murfreesboro, TN in August 2005. Saturday marks the one year anniversary of the beginning of that course and, since then, I have done absolutely nothing that I didn't do as a Local Church Lay Speaker. Not that I wasn't willing, I was never asked. I put my name on the list, I gave them my phone number, my work number, my cell phone number, my email address... everything. And no one ever called. Come to think of it, I haven't even done anything as a Certified Lay Speaker that I didn't do before becoming a Local Lay Speaker.

At one point, I got a little peeved about this situation. But I now understand that there are many avenues for service and that some Pastors have friends, aquaintances or folks in their own congregation who can step in preach or teach if needed. Then there are retired pastors and even ministers from other denominations who are often tapped to fill in when needed.

At another time, I even thought that I might let my certification expire and forget the whole thing. But then, somewhere along the way, I began to accept things as they were. After all, I'm not in this for money or fame or attention. I desire to do these things only to fulfill my calling and, just maybe, to determine what that calling actually is. If that call is to be a Sunday School teacher and a part-time liturgist in my local church, then so be it.

Fast-forward a couple of months and you get to the subject of Sunday's post. Jack had approached me about a 'need' in the district. I had so decided that nothing like this was ever going to happen that it really didn't sink in at first: an area 'local pastor' needed someone to preach a couple of times a month. Something had been arranged and, for whatever reason, it didn't happen. The local pastor then approached his pastoral mentor for suggestions. That mentor just happened to be my pastor - Jack. He threw out my name and then asked me to meet with the pastor in question and our new Disrtict Superintendant to discuss the situation.

They're both great people and it was a good meeting. We tentatively agreed to give it a try on the last Sunday in August.

When I told Jack about this, he seemed pleased but he also asked me to fill in for him (as if) on the third Sunday in August. I agreed.

Then, two days later, Jim (the local pastor) called me to confirm our plans and he also asked me to preach at his church on the third Sunday in August. Of course, I had to decline. (Man, I hate saying 'no' to someone - especially if it's something I would otherwise be happy to do.)

So let's take a step back and review here: In the space of one month, I have gone from feeling somewhat under-utilized in my role as a UMC Lay Speaker to having two ordained ministers requesting my services on the same Sunday.

All I can think of right now is that God works in mysterious ways. Yes, She does!

And it all may come to nothing. After this church experiences my first message, they may very well say, "Thanks, and good luck in your future endeavors." Meaning: "Please don't come back here again!"

Or, it could be the opposite. It could actually work. We'll see.

For the time being, I'm just gonna pray a LOT, prepare as much as I possibly can, do the best that my meager talents will allow and hope for the best.

Good luck to me!

Joe and Mel...

As I, and I alone, predicted, Joe Lieberman lost the primary bid for his Connecticut Senate seat.

In his concession statement, Joltin' Joe promised to run as an independent and stated that, "Tomorrow, we launch a new campaign to untie the people of Connecticut..."

Sorry, that was supposed to be 'unite'.

Of course the mere thought of that is hillarious - 'untie' or 'unite'.

But not as hillarious as this. Mel Gibson: I hate juice. It's inspired, actually.

And I have to apologize because I don't remember where I got this link from. It was on someone's blog and I don't remember whose. It was either a 'one off' that I forgot to bookmark or from someone I regularly look at and can't find now. I just happen to remember the URL. Sorry.

The blog ettiquette police will be beating on my door any moment now...

The Tentmaker...

Wow, I never thought my simple little post from Sunday would provoke such a (relative) outpouring of, uh, commentatiousness.

That is too a word. Now it is, anyway.

Seriously, though, I do appreciate Supergirl's comments on my religious interests and on my "calling" - whatever it is. It's a strange journey we've taken together. But I can't imagine it any other way.

I also appreciate Charles' comments and encouragement. It's not often that someone I don't know comments on my blog.

I, too, struggle with the idea of the "hireling ministry" as Charles calls it. In the UMC, we would call it "full time Church service" or "a lifetime commitment to ministry". What this means to me is that "ministry" can become just another vocation or a job instead of a calling.

In fact, all Christians are "called" to ministry of some kind. That's something I discussed with our District Superintendent last week. People tell me that I'm being called into the ministry, and maybe I am, but I also have to think about my family's best interest. And a pay cut doesn't seem to fit into that picture too well. On the other hand, I shared with her my feeling that the blanket call for Christians to be ministers does not necessarily mean that all are called to preach and teach. And certainly not to get a paycheck. I don't think we want folks going into the "ministry" for that reason alone.

I don't know much of anything about Charles' Quakerism, but I agree with him in that the scriptural justification for vocational ministers is pretty much nonexistent - at least in the New Testament.

The Apostle Paul devoted the latter part of his life to spreading the Good News and he accepted some compensation from the congregations that he served. But he did not expect it. He also had a vocation that would 'pay the bills' otherwise.

I'm not presumptuous enough to equate myself with Paul - I like the women, er, woman too much for that analogy to be true. And my zeal is not quite up to Pauline standards. But I'm working on that.

Of course times also change and the Bible doesn't say that we should use lightbulbs either.

And Now, New Stupid News!

The hostilities continue in the middle east. Of course.

Meanwhile, Israel has destroyed the last access route for humanitarian aide going into southern Lebanon. I'm sure that was an important military objective.

And President Bush says he wants a quick U.N. resolution on this. The rest of us just want a resolution to this whole mess.

If only it were this simple!

On the homefront, pundits continue to predict the loss of Joe Liberman in Tuesday's Connecticut Senate race and imagine what that might mean for the 2008 Democratic Presidential race. Especially in regards to Senator Clinton who's trying with all her might to appear un-Lieberman-like. At the same time Joltin' Joe does tries his own damage control.

Republicans are licking their lips over this "Democratic civil war". Don't count your chickens just yet.

Know anyone who needs this?

Be careful what you laugh at.

I now have a part time job - sort of. Not really, but I will be helping out a pastor at an area church for a while.

This has been in the works for some time now - It's what Brother Jack wanted to talk to me about a few weeks ago - but I held off making it public in any way because quite a few people needed to be informed of it face-to-face first.

A week from today, we're planning on visiting this church and then, two weeks later, I'll preach at their worship service. If things go reasonably well (meaning if I don't mess up too badly), I may do this a couple of times a month for the next couple of months.

Then, today, Jack tenatively asked me to preach at both our early and late service a couple of weeks from now. I tenatively agreed.

You know, if someone had said to me 10 years ago, "One day you're going to be a Sunday School teacher and Lay Speaker and a liturgist and occasionally you'll preach a sermon or two...", I would have laughed in their face.

That's 'Captain' to you...

Today, we got up early (relatively speaking) to take the kids on a back-to-school shopping trip. We went to Murfreesboro and hit the J.C. Penney, Goody's and Aeropostale for clothes and shoes. Tad and I managed to slip into EB Games for some vids while Stacie and Shelby checked out some overpriced jewelry.

After lunch at Ci-Ci's Pizza, we beat it over to the cinema to watch 'Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest'. Good movie. Funky ending, though. We'd been wanting to see this for a while and, in anticipation, Stacie bought a copy of 'Curse of the Black Pearl' last week. Tad's been watching it every day and has now mastered Jack Sparrow's accent and mannerisms.

Sorry, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.

Seriously though, Tad can now recite or even act out whole segments of action from the original movie in character. The kid has got a talent for this type of thing. He's a born performer. I predict he's either gonna be an actor or a preacher.

Or a politician.

Egads!

In the midst of all the shopping, I managed to 'accidentally' drive by the Mitsubishi dealership there in Murfreesboro. To make a long story short, I test drove an '07 Eclipse Spyder GT. It's a HOT looking car, but to be honest, I was somewhat underwhelmed with the performance. If I'm going to have a house payment for a car payment, I want something that is going to scare the living daylights out of me when I drive it. Otherwise, what's the point? I can just stick with the mini-van and save me money. I may try again, though, with a six-speed (which is what I really want anyway). Or I could try the Mustang GT, the RX-8, the 350-Z and so on...

The possibilities are endless.

Have I ever mentioned that I love test-driving sports cars?

That mid-life crisis thing again, y'know.

Blessed be His name...

I read a lot of blogs. Some every day, some every once in a while and so on. One that I look at occasionally happens to be written by the current husband of one of my old gilrfriends. That's not the reason I read it by the way. I read it because it's funny. Unintentionally so, I would assume. He's far left of left but seems to think he represents the reasoned voice of middle America. He's wrong. This guy is so far out of the mainstream it is laughable. He is a yellow dog among yellow dogs. And I won't put an actual link here simply because I don't want to send this nut-job any traffic.

None of this is really worth mentioning except as an introduction to my actual topic. He wrote a post recently in which his kid asked about the national motto debate. The kid asked something like, "What's wrong with saying 'In God We Trust'?" Of course he immediately began to berate the child's common sense and logical approach and then related his attempt to indoctrinate the child into the world of secular leftist propaganda and brainwashing.

Here's the argument he made: Wouldn't it make the kid's Muslim friend feel bad to see "In God We Trust" on our money or whatnot since they worship "Allah" not "God".

This is a horribly flawed and quite ignorant argument.

First off, "God" is not God's name, it's what God is. Second "Allah" is not the name of the Muslim God any more than "God" is the name of the Judeo-Christian God. This argument would only be valid if we had the name of a specific deity (Christ, Vishnu) or prophet (Moses, Muhammed) in our motto. We don't. Insted, we use the general English designation for the Almighty - "God".

Obviously the guy doesn't know (or doesn't care that) "Allah" comes from the Arabic words "al" (meaning "the") and "'ilah" (meaning - you guessed it - "God"). Allah is God and God is Allah. As further proof, consider what native Arabic-speaking Christians and Jews call their God?

ALLAH! Of course they do, what else?

This makes Mr. Murfreesboro's argument completely nonsensical.

The really funny thing is, this is exactly the same flawed reasoning that the religious right uses in condemning Muslims to hell - they don't worship "God", they worship "Allah".

HA! Ol' Mike there has gone so far left he has inadvertantly aligned himself with the Pat Robertsons and Jerry Falwells of the world.

I told you his blog was funny.

It just goes to show you that the spectrum of political thought is not linear, it's circular. Extremists on the left and the right are closer to each other than they are to moderate thinkers of any political or religious persuasion.

Somehow, that is comforting to me.

Voting...

Yes, well, my legion of fans have spoken. One funny life story coming up.

I took my eight year old son with me to vote yesterday. I want to instill some good citizenship skills in him, so I explained every step of the process and even allowed him to 'help' me do the actual voting.

Later, Stacie prepared to take him with her to vote also. When she told him where they were going, Tad became upset and stated, "I can't go, I've already voted!"

She told the volunteers at the voting station about this and they got a big kick out of that.

I had amused some of the same folks earlier when they asked me if I wanted to vote 'R' or 'D'. I said, "We need more choices." Except for a couple of 'yellow dogs', everyone laughed as I gladly took my yellow ticket to the voting machine.

O.K., maybe that's two stories. Sue me.

Politics...

The hostilities continue in the mid-east, Castro's condition is a big unknown, and it looks like Joltin' Joe Lieberman may be in big trouble.

We could have predicted all of these, of course.

Lieberman's problems are interesting simply because they highlight the ever increasing gulf between the left and right in this country. If it were a simple case of Liberman's support of the Iraq war, that would be one thing. And that is an issue. But I think a bigger issue for the voters who have turned to Lamont is simply that Lieberman would dare to support Bush on anything.

Eeek!

There seems to be no political middle ground in this country anymore. Whatever happened to the conservative Democrats and the liberal Republicans? Well, they died out (or were killed off by their own parties). Either way, they're gone. I think that's too bad because what we need right now, more that ever, is concensus building and teamwork and that's not going to happen as long as the two parties continue to retreat further and further into their own little worlds, reacting defensively and acting offensively to any and every word uttered by the other party.

What this country really needs is a third party. Or a fourth party or...

Speaking of politics, it's time for me to vote in my county's general election. See you at the polls.

Mucho funny

This is hillarious.

It's The Onion's version of president Bush granting himself the power to grant himself more power.

I think that the funniest thing about this 'article' is how real it reads.

On second thought, it's not funny at all.

Goodnight and God bless ...

News - uh gain.

The war between Israel and Hezbollah is widening in scope. As I predicted. Just this one time, I wish I had been wrong.

Meanwhile, the two Koreas have exchanged gunfire across the border... again.

And what can I say about Mel Gibson? I like Mel - As far as total whackos go, he's a great guy. Bearded, he does a spot-on impersonation of Saddam Hussein. Sans beard, he's the spitting image of Boris Karloff. You've got appreciate that. Right?

Drunk driving? Anti-semitism? Abusive and Beligerent?

Hey, at least he said 'sorry'.

Lest I get you too depressed, here's some funnies:

A waitress was handed her own stolen ID while 'carding' someone.

And Joe Biden is only in politics for political reasons.

Auf Wiedersehen.