You Might Be United Methodist if...

I've seen these kinds of things before but this one is really good. I swiped it off deaconess_grrl's Questions and Rants (and then did just a little bit of editing).

Hope you enjoy. If you don't, you must not be UMC!

You Might be a United Methodist if:

~you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed
~you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
~The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper
~you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts
~you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus"
~you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn and love it!!
~tithing is encouraged but widely ignored
~half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
~the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine
~you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease
~your pastor has a hyphenated last name
~names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are more than vaguely familiar
~you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament
~the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"
~you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
~you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London
~your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a Saint
~you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out
~you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease
~your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way unless you're the pastor
~there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"
~your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
~you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues
~you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes
~you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
~you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
~you know that "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women not United Mine Workers
~you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister
~"Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
~you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why
~your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
~you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee
~you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
~you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday
~you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel
~you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary
~when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn

You know why these are funny? Because they're true!